Those among us (who venture outside the world of Stickman Games – do not sit on their rump all day) may be familiar with the cave drawings found in France during the 1940s. However, the majority of you are probably scratching your heads and asking your Art History PhD girlfriend what the hell I’m talking about.
In the ‘40s, a group of French teenagers made possibly the largest discovery of prehistoric writing and drawing ever in a group of caves in the Lascaux region of France. This discovery gave insight to the culture and mindset of the people or tribe inhabiting the caves some 18,000 years old. Anthropologists the world over had a collective orgasm and the caves have been a major tourist attraction ever since. That’s the official account. And it’s true. For the most part.
The Birth of the Stickman
What the history books leave out of the story of the Lascaux caves is the inspiration and birth of one of the most pivotal pieces of art ever created: the Stickman. Now, here we know him as a simple character destined to live his days out being controlled and blown up at the hands of assholes like us. However, at one the Stickman was an important part of culture, especially to the people who lived 18,000 years ago.
In the Lascaux caves, there are blank spots. Attributed to the wear and tear of tourist’s breathing and touching, most people take that reasoning and go about their merry way. Well, the fact of the matter is this: that’s bullshit. And it smells. I mean, come on. When’s the last time you breathed and the ink on your report you were writing just vanished? Thought so.
The Sticking Curse
In reality, the opening of the caves back about a trillion years ago unleashed the Sticking Curse put on rogue figures that, once drawn, leapt off the cave walls and went around pantsing all the village women that inhabited the caves. True story. Now, this could not be. The people of the caves were distraught and needed to have their women covered, damnit!
Conveniently enough, back then people believed in all sorts of gods. They had the Drunk God (He handled pregnancy) and the God of the Hunt (He greatly assisted the Drunk God), and, among others, the God of Culture (three guesses).
Those three gods were the most important. And, after they had their fun watching the idiot cave-dwellers dance around in prayer, begging for protection from those pesky bastards, they decided to intervene. After all, stopping the Pornicating Stickmen would benefit them, too. Because of the pantsing, the Drunk and Hunt Gods were having less and less power because, hey, with the pants already off, most of the work was done for them! So, getting sick of having little power of the affairs of humans, the Drunksie and Hunter convinced the rest of the Gods to get in on their scheme of stopping the two-dimensional bastards cold.
The Gods devised a plan
Suddenly, the Gods made the female Sticks covered in boils. The Sticks got extremely tired of their prank of choice very quickly because now their victims just weren’t hot. Being clueless and without a purpose, the dastardly Sticks were soon erased by the cave men as punishment. That explains the blank spaces in the Lascaux walls.
After solving that problem, the gods of the hunt and drunkenness were back to their old tricks. Here’s where the Culture God came in: He made it so that the only thing future Sticks were allowed to do was be drawn by people into any form in any medium. Now, because of that, humans now have control over anything Sticks do.
And even though the old gods have fallen out of favor, Drunksie and Hunter frequently get bored with talking to Jesus and they get back to old habits. Talking to you, 16 and pregnant.
So, the next time your professor, teacher, boss, parent, neighbor, trash man, cat, dog, or favorite schizophrenic pal chimes in and starts talking about the Lascaux caves, you can tell them the real story. And oh, how smart you will sound!The History of the Stickman,